The Meaning of Happiness
by Lina Trivedi
July 15, 2007
I recently met an Indian woman who confided in me some of the challenges that she faced socially with being a gay Indian woman in an interracial relationship with another woman. As an outside observer, it seemed to me that this woman was unhappy with pretty much every area of her life. Her parents were making her unhappy, she was unhappy with her job, with the progress she was making in her education, she seemed to have low self-esteem and she just had an overall sense of depression that lured around her. Around the same weekend, I met another East Asian girl who was very happy and seemed to be very self-assured. She was satisfied in her relationship and she seemed to be pleased with her life overall. She has a great job that she loved, she has a dedicated husband and she seems to exuberate joy to all those around her. This woman was not Indian. It made me think back to all my Indian friends. Those who I have known who are gay, straight, in arranged marriages, in love relationships, single, divorced, successful, not-so-successful. Of all the Indian people that I know, I had to really think of who I knew that was happy. Nearly every Indian person I know is unhappy about something in their life. I then thought about myself. I could be further along professionally. I could be further along educationally. I could have more money. I could have a bigger house. I could have a family. I could have a better relationship with my parents. I could have a stronger relationship with the rest of my family. I could pursue my dreams with more fervor. There are a lot of things that I could be doing that would contribute to my overall happiness. But I don't. Why? One of my aunties who has known my family for a long time recently told me that is life. However I look at my neighbors who are not of Indian culture and I do not sense that same aspect of life. My thoughts led to Bollywood movies and the heroines that are often portrayed in our movies. They are always struggling with something that affects their overall happiness. Is there an inherent aspect of our culture that commands us to be unhappy? Very often, Bollywood stories end with some sort of happy ending, but if we explore the life of characters after the story comes to a close, do the challenges that affect their decisions impede their happiness? I wonder. Sure the gay Indian woman is happy when she is with her partner in her home living her life. But as soon as parents come into the picture, the equilibrium of her environment is affected. A conversation I had with a friend recently concluded that everyone is unhappy at some point in time. But that East Asian girl was not unhappy. She had made a conscious decision to not allow herself to be unhappy, especially over things that she can not affect. Within this philosophy, the gay Indian woman needs to refuse her parents, her employer, her instructors and everyone else who is causing her alarm to affect her happiness. But as Indians, is this even possible? We are made to please others and we are conditioned to respond to life situations after considering the feelings of everyone around us. Our entire being relies on the strength of our community, as opposed to the strength of us as individuals. We expect our people to do the things that we do, and not deter away from the norm of what defines Indian culture, even if it means we must put the happiness of other before our own. It leads to the question of what is happiness? From our prospective, I am interested to know, what does it mean to be happy? One of my elders once told me that if our parents are happy, then we will be happy. Is that really true? If that were the case in America, would the civil rights movement have ever occurred? Would there have ever been any sort of women's liberation? I speak to many of my peers and they often confide that they are unhappy, but there is nothing that they can do because of the cards that life dealt them. Is that really true? Perhaps it is, but I am wondering what the consequence would be of following your gut and instinct. Would that result in mayhem? Or would that result in some level of happiness?